Hardcore Days, Softcore Nights.

6 years.

2010-07-08T03:21:00.001+08:00

www.starks.tumblr.com

6 years later.

almost a year.

2010-06-19T01:39:00.001+08:00

6 days to your death anniversary. It's almost a year, but your death felt like it happened just yesterday.
We've missed you so much, and always will.

love forever,
rena.

我的希望来了.

2010-06-04T02:30:00.002+08:00

i can't wait for july.
for now, i'm on the lookout for studio apartments /sharehouse.
anyone*?

* strictly melbourne city only. st kilda is the furthest i'd go.

希望

2010-06-01T20:45:00.000+08:00

没有希望所以没有期待.

だから、見込みはない期待していない。

그래서 희망이 없다 기대하지 않습니다.

感谢你给我的爱.我永远不会忘记.

je vous remercie de l’amour, je n’oublierai jamais.

xx.

wake the dead.

2010-05-22T02:39:00.000+08:00

And he would sleep for a hundred days, and wake up tired from the sadness of another hundred days of missed opportunities.

because, i know no other way.
i'm good.

team sleep - natalie portman.

2010-05-08T03:36:00.000+08:00

Little tune alright?
I'm not gonna wait for you tonight .
Live from the stage
I'm sure ,I'm not gonna wait for you anymore in new wave its alright.
I'm walking away from you tonight
Live on the stage
I'm sure, I'm not gonna look at you anymore the same way .

may day

2010-05-02T02:48:00.000+08:00

another month closer to the day i leave.
i have a list of things to say to you.
for me, for us- to be a better person individually.

please let me get what i want.

The armour has cracked

2010-04-26T00:42:00.000+08:00

why is it that every time i get a foothold on something, it'll slip and fall back into the muck?

I'm surrounded by derelicts, they search me out, they hunt me. they find me and try to kill me.

This armour is going to shatter to pieces. just like you and i.
5 more days. and this, no more.

sel-fish,selfish.

2010-04-24T01:12:00.003+08:00

1 after another.
motherfuckers.
brain damage, do you hear me?
1 after another.
manipulative.
at night the darkness frightens me.
motherfucking manipulative selfish bastards.
brain damage. brain damage, brain damage.
you're about to push me off this cliff.

49 hours.

2010-04-22T01:19:00.000+08:00

I haven't been to bed in 49 hours.
I've been living on this step high for awhile.
even the sky can't stop mocking us.
the heavy rain. the silent tears.
the mis-trust in so many motherfuckers.
who am i fucking kidding?
1 and a half weeks till school ends.
i really cannot wait.
I need to stop all that self-pitying shit, get my fucking life together.
stop fucking going to starbucks.
stop smoking so much.
stop getting people to clean up my vomit, okay maybe a few more times.
okay, 49 hours. i should go now.

2010-04-20T01:44:00.000+08:00

forgive me, i'm trying my best.

circle

2010-04-15T02:54:00.001+08:00

i dived into the pool, into this supposed nothingness.
i tried to come up for air, the denim and the extra cloth weigh me down.
i struggled, you jumped in, and pulled me up for air.
that moment, that eye contact - it was one of those unexplainable moments of eye contact, that is immediately overanalyzed and inevitably misread.
All we did, was sat by the pool.
The silence , so comforting. I missed it so much.
You had that smile. I wish you'll have it forever.
I wish you love forever. you're not mine to keep.

keep breathing. life is a vicious cycle.
we lose and gain. gain then lose.
I've loved you superman.

2010-04-11T17:43:00.004+08:00

My head's in a mess.

4 years of jail term.

Did i kill the friendship?

i'll be waiting for you in 2014.

thank you for letting me live thru my dreams.

selfish self. you hate me. i hate myself more.

somebody tell me

2010-04-11T04:26:00.001+08:00

Will i ever heal?

tonight, i remember the pain.

enjoy (y)our youth

2010-04-09T02:01:00.001+08:00

you'll never be younger than you are at this very moment.

So many 'plans' put to action. Plans for july moved to june.

time is running out. But i've never been happier. I mean who wouldn't?

im another step closer to my dream.

If you pray, please keep me in your prayers.

I need them.

and im really quite depressed, fucken youtube failed me. Im using the sister's windowzz. fuck.

anyway my mac's 3 years old, time to get new one.

song of the week!

2010-04-04T23:52:00.000+08:00

'tap the net' you get freeze frame!

i spent saturday watching martz playing his stupid video games. yes stupid flying dinosaurs.

watched juno and read the script. his cat so cute, but i still hate animals.

mart's mom got us zhichar, then we sent charlotte back to germany.

okay need to go back to watching 'adam' nowwwww.

Dear jeanette,

2010-04-02T02:43:00.000+08:00

nihon land awaits.

Just like you said 'our friendship isn't measured by distances...i have nothing to worry about..'

Never doubt your capability, never doubt your passion.

Have faith and always have hope.

No matter what, you know i got your back. Just like i know you got mine.

We just have to get used to less phone call bitching. more skype. and save $$ for air tix.

can't wait to tell you the wonderful plan my parents came up with during dinner...when i move in july.

plans plans plans.

Thank you for loving me, the dysfunctional, vulgar and full of shit - me.

and yes, i think i haven't said this, but yea, i am just really proud of you. The choices you make, and how you stay true to your words, you get my drift..

Love you.

Be safe. osaka-lovin' girl, be sure to come home.

Love,

Rena.

e to the k.

2010-03-29T02:00:00.000+08:00

more k, and both you and i are going to see the demon soon.

no matter what happened and is happening. i got your back.

loveyou4ever martin brian so.

love,

lost in my bed.

2010-03-27T04:21:00.001+08:00

The only two places i feel absolutely safe are either in bed with clear white sheets , pillows surrounding my head.

or in water. like on the bottom of a swimming pool. alone.

weightless, peaceful.

nobody talking, nobody pretending.

I got reminded of your arrogance,ignorance, shallowness.

we used to be able to seek comfort in the silence.

and what happened?

lets go out for some japanese tonight.

2010-03-26T02:51:00.002+08:00

If my dignity was measured in money, you could probably use it to buy a can of coke.

rant rant

2010-03-18T05:13:00.000+08:00

erm so i threw in all the money-the money my mom gave me for the ink on the ribz.

im so fucken broke right now.

need $$ to buy dress for the pool wedding.

need $$ to buy jodi's prez.

need $$ FOR EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

hahahahahahahhahahahafuckthisshitttttt

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhharahfasdhaehadjnasdkajsd

weary.

2010-03-16T01:53:00.002+08:00

i am a cold human being.

i can be lovely sometime.

when i am in a steaming shower.

letting water rush through my clavicles,

when the tiny droplets fall from my ears to my eyelashes.

but in the end everything hurts.

it hurts.

it just fucking hurts.

dear heart, slow down.

2010-03-13T02:12:00.001+08:00

i feel as though im going to get a fucken heart attack any fucking time.

too much to feel. i need to stop.

some c and k later, later. haven't done it in 2010.

we will kick some muthafucking ass.

maybe a petty crime. maybe.

inhale

2010-03-06T01:43:00.002+08:00

The warm water touches the body.

Inhale.

Under the water, the tears run free.

The scream is a mere muffled sound.

Come on, breathe.

Let go of the weight on your shoulders.

Nobody is here to judge.

The game that you play, i'm not qualified.

The coldness in the bones hits you to the core.

The weight on your shoulders is heavier than before.

You sink into the water again.

exhale.

my lost memory.

2010-03-03T01:32:00.000+08:00

I put the ‘Razzle Dazzle Rose’ crayon back in the box and i pull out the black crayon. Unlike most of the other crayons, Black has hardly been used. People probably avoid black because it isn’t considered a happy colour, and in here any form of happiness, even something as base as the colour of a crayon is coveted. I , however, like Black. It is a colour that makes me comfortable and the colour with which i have the most experience. In the darkest darkness, all is black. In the deepest hole, all is black. In the terror of m addicted mind, all is black. In the empty periods of my lost memory, all is black.

tell me something i don't already fucking know.

cycle.

2010-02-25T02:48:00.001+08:00

if you don't know how to fix it, please stop breaking it.

2010-02-20T02:02:00.001+08:00

give me back my time. I'll use it better i swear.

I am

2010-02-16T02:23:00.000+08:00

20 years old.

to all who love me and i love you back.

Thank you for the f.p necklace, touching cardz, hellokitty biscuit,'rena' top, 'for soldiers prostitutes+dykes+punks', 'benetint', 'watermelon,to-do list etc' unconditional love, uncountable car rides, money spent on me for the last 20 years, listening ear(s),friendship, singing over the phone, loving my flaws, loving me for being me and if i miss out anything here, i still love you.

love you all.

and all i ever

2010-02-09T02:40:00.000+08:00

want to do is pop 1 2 3.

one pink, one white one blue and off to bed.

i remember i had a mixture of 4 at a go and 2 fat js. knocked the fuck out. huge bump on my head.

blinded for 3 years.

and im still blind.

let the musik flow tonight

2010-02-07T03:32:00.000+08:00

enjoy the musik.

xoxo.

confession

2010-02-05T02:16:00.001+08:00

My life has become some sort of inside joke — and I’m the only one who doesn’t get it.

good morning aliens. i miss martin brian so. time to catch up on the dinosaurs.

missyoumissyou.

2010-02-02T02:46:00.000+08:00

have fun marching in the blue uniform.

see you in 2 weeks.

xoxo.

does it all come down to this?

2010-01-28T03:46:00.001+08:00

I am tired, I am weary,
I could sleep for a thousand years.
A thousand dreams that would awake me, different colors made of tears.

'Same shit, different day'- alyza adinegoro.

2 days in paris, it will never be the same again.

no surprises.

2010-01-21T00:43:00.000+08:00

And i want to be with the sun and the moon.

I've been hopeless.

i'll take a quiet life.

sanity, insanity.

2010-01-17T02:35:00.000+08:00

if a '2 days in paris' does not happen. then i guess we're done.

2.20am, time for a fucking jog.

i am physically tired but my mind can't stop working.

how i was so close to being brain dead, and then i came back to life again. Only to realise reality still bites.

'2 days in paris' will you come?

drained to the core.

2010-01-10T00:45:00.000+08:00

Both mentally and physically drained.
not enough sleep, too much nicotine, breathless.
so many days of pre-production. crew call at 7am, was insane.
all these we do, just to keep our passion burning.
and thanks to those for being there for me, eventhough when i'm being a pain in the ass.

time check, 12.41am, sunday morning. alyza is dead in bed. crew call at 7am. the 2 mfs are not here yet.

2010-01-07T13:15:00.002+08:00

'live and let live.

do not judge.

take it as it comes.

deal with it.

everything will be okay.'

What a load of crap.

anyway. good day aliens. Time for work.

loveyouall-

2010-01-03T02:06:00.001+08:00

i want to work work work, work myself to the point where i just want to fall dead in bed.

i want to fight the headaches and bodyaches.

i want to fight the nicotine urge.

can somebody knock the lights out of me now?

i should sleep.

bygone, be gone.

2009-12-30T23:32:00.002+08:00

i always thought i was just evil, just never as evil as you thought me to be.

2010, better be good.

almost 3 years.

2009-12-29T03:16:00.000+08:00

It's almost 3 years of lasalle.

angie the crazy lecturer who bought us drinks at HC during foundation is finally getting married.

she was one of those few ppl who told me to go after my dreams. which is now, to really do well and get out of here.

i remember the crazy last minute stayover nights at kenny's. with daniel,faizal,nazrul,manda and etc. i can't remember.

kenny had to help us do the photoshop shit work and drawings.

Those HC nights with them and random boyz. Not so glamourous.

rolling in the tunnel, almost falling into the river.

daniel drinking and puking, drinking and puking cycle.

manda's drunk talk. (i still have videos )

kenny taking care of all of us.

and shisha tuesday.

Sonz, leiliani, manda , darren and charles based at different houses every weekend doing everything. star wars at leilani's. meet the weedmaster at manda's. god's shower at l's again.

Sonz, fabric painting. cooking up at my place.

darren's 3d bomb painting at random macs, and picasso inked on his right thigh.

charles's 'wonderwall' words. i'll never forget.

and charles real name is jiahao, which became charles because of a fucking stupid football joke.

random thoughts at random time. i miss you all a whole fucking lot. i think i miss charles the most, serve the nation and do us proud.

we'll hang out like before. miss you miss you missyou. fellow alienz.

xoxo,

lots of love, fellow alien.

ここ日本で私が来る

2009-12-18T20:10:00.001+08:00

7 hours flight to kansai airport.

i'll say 'ohaiyo' to osaka.

すべての愛

do you?

2009-12-17T02:05:00.000+08:00

spinning and spinning,

do you believe in what you want?

love you all

marijuanita xoxo.

what's wrong?

2009-12-10T04:20:00.001+08:00

with inks and piercings?
liberated minds, are we not?

words make me doubt my capability.
and really, now it's just wilson and i versus the entire world.
sooner or later he'll go over to the other side, and i'll be a one man army. fighting on my own.

i thought they'd know me better, and never doubt my capability.
i feel the very need to start anew, at a place where no one knows me.

wake up-

2009-12-08T00:41:00.001+08:00

dreams- They are perhaps one of the most extraordinary things known to mankind.They’re the movies of our minds.The pictures in our head. And even the most of us dream every night for our entire lives.No one actually knows what they’ll see.

Dreams come and go as they please.And all you can do is watch in silence.And while we like for all dreams to be good and happy.The truth is they’re are always those dreams, those nightmares that catch us off guard. Yet we need not panic,for as if any dream you know always take comfort in the morning alarm, the sunlight streaming into your eyes.Whatever it is that takes us from our dream world, so that we wake up.

tell me that, over and over again.

2009-12-07T02:13:00.003+08:00

i don't think i can talk to anyone about death, 5 stages of grief. wtf

really. There are things that i can never ever talk to just anybody about.

blame it on my childishness, blame it on my lack of 'wholeheartedness'

because i am fucking nuts. im sorry.

one blue, one pink, one white.

2009-12-05T01:11:00.000+08:00

1. i left '24 hours of anger' for 'The Sound Cell'.

- '24 hours of anger' total indian madness. The storyline seems decent enough :>

-met some of the most passionate ppl ever.

-had curry for the longest time. please do not take me out for curry or any indian muslim food for the next month or so.

-chest pain came back, stopped smoking on monday.

2. Left For Dead 2.

- played for 3 days straight, i've lost my voice, sick again :/

- might go back tomorrow to fight those zombies again.

- missed my bro like crazy.

3. Martin brian fucking lanjiao So.

-cheebye motherfucker left me for his gf. cheebye next time don't ask me go zoo ever.

4. bestfriend.

-mom's driving me crazy with h1n1 jab, i hide at the bestfriend's place as much as i can.

-fish and chips, crazy twilight calender.

-coffee anytime.

-re-lived the 'my chemical romance' moments.

5. mono

-playing in tokyo on the 21st.

-probably catching them with ryan.

- yay so exciting.

6. tomorrow, zarrah's.

-crashing her bed later. hello i missed you so much.

i just took some meds. i need to get better.

i missyou and loveyouall.

xoxo,

marijuanita.

PS: it's a wonder how i've never done a 'schedule' like this before. Don't you know me abit better now?

maybe i don't belong here

2009-11-27T01:23:00.001+08:00

Tonight while coiling the 13amps extension wires, i lifted my head and looked up in the sky.

The stars are out shining so brightly. Creep was playing in my head.

'i wish i was special... so very special.."

This uncanny sadness overwhelmed me. So unexplainable.

before i board the cab,i looked at the sky for one last time.

i hope the stars will come out to shine again. Don't hide behind the clouds all the time.

i'll lay on an empty field, and fall asleep right under the stars.

2009-11-26T00:49:00.003+08:00

I was capsizing,

i sunk below where i swore i would never go.

If you can't stand in place, you can't tell who's walking away.

i remember the push more than the fall.

rantz.

2009-11-25T01:23:00.000+08:00

i feel as though im floating.

I haven't had a good night sleep in awhile.

maybe thats why my temper is going hay-wire. and i cannot function well.

i haven't had dinner. it's 1.09am.

sam, i don't understand how you can say i look so much healthier now.

anyway, come home soon, miss you. i need to bitch.

some people they prefer you, when you fail - i hate that this is true.

i hope i'll be a better person tomorrow.

xoxo, marijuanita.

i hate to disappoint and i hate myself for being a disappointment. pleaseletmebeabetterpersontomorrow.

I feel as though...

2009-11-23T02:50:00.002+08:00

i've been lied to.

marijuanita-

in the morning

2009-11-18T23:07:00.000+08:00

i wake up and find myself alone.

The start of internship.

good experience, more to come.

legs aching like crazy.

crew call at 6.30am tomorrow. how very nice. so very fucking far away.

alright, 11.06pm time to sleep.

love you all,

xoxo marijuanita.

cold showers

2009-11-17T04:23:00.000+08:00

every night, without fail. I turn the knob to the furthest right, and turn it up.

The fucking ice cold water falls onto the hair, then slowly to the body. As it touches the body, the shoulders starts shivering. I let out an imaginary scream.

I'm supposed to get used to the blistering cold. But no, almost every night, i put myself thru the same shit, and every time i feel different.

I wish the cold won't get to my bones.

i wish i could sleep.

flashback//march 2008- april 2009.

2009-11-15T03:40:00.001+08:00

Went away to you
Ten million hours gone
You could turn
Soon
There in the air
Where I can't move
I say
Just say to you
Goodbye my love
Goodbye.

Death by a plane.

more sleepzzz

2009-11-14T03:48:00.000+08:00

I could really use a good cup of tea right now. I want to drink up and go to bed.

My bones are fucking hurting. My body aches. I don't feel too well again.

I don't think i can drink or party the night away with L. bb im sorry. i'll buy you a dyke for a night : >

system slowly crashing by the moment. fuck don't fucking lecture me at fucking 3.44am.

marijuanita.

reflections of a skyline

2009-11-07T01:43:00.001+08:00

And i want to play hide and seek, and give you my clothes.

Tell you i love your shoes and sit on the steps while you take a bath.

And massage your neck and kiss your face, and hold your hand and go for a walk.

Not mind, when you eat my food. And meet you at rudy's and talk about your day.

Talk about YOUR day. And laugh at your paranoia.

And give you tapes you don't listen to.

Watch great films,watch terrible films.

And tell you about the tv programme i watched the night before.

And not laugh at your jokes.

Want you in the morning.But let you sleep in for awhile.

Tell you how much i love your eyes, your lips, your neck,your tits,your arse.

And sit on the steps smoking till your neighbours come home.

And sit on the steps smoking till you come home.

And worry when you're late.

And be amazed when you're early.

And give you sunflowers, and go to your party and dance.

Be sorry when i'm wrong. And happy when you forgive me.

Look at your photos, wish i'd known you forever.

Hearing your voice, in my ear.

Feel your skin, on my skin.

And get scared when you're angry.

And tell you you're gorgeous.

And hug you when you're anxious.

And hold you when you're hurt.

And want you when i smell you. And offend you when i touch you.

And whimper when i'm next to you, and whimper when im not.

Dribble on your breast, smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket.

And hot when you don't. And melt when you smile.

but not understand, how you think im rejecting you when i'm not rejecting you and wonder how you could think i'd ever reject you.

And wonder who you are but accept you anyway.

I wander the city, thinking it's empty without you.

But i want what you want and think.

I'm losing myself .

I'll tell you the worst of me, and try to give you the best of me because you don't deserve any less.

My inabilities.

2009-10-31T05:23:00.001+08:00

I'm sorry for my inability to let unimportant things go,for my inability to hold onto important things.

I need to find the ability to once again- believe in myself.

5.20am, my mind's cloudy, need milo.

Please give me another chance.

good morning aliens xoxo,

marijuanita.

This time, maybe i'll be bullet proof.

2009-10-21T01:32:00.001+08:00

the lacked of sleep caused the tears to flow so ever freely.

tonight, i close my eyes, and the static images refuse to stop running.

I am truly afraid to sleep tonight.

ironic, as it is. I want to curl up and hide under the covers. sob till the morning light.

the 'ghost' is back.

come save me. please.

2009-10-15T15:44:00.002+08:00

I haven't been home in 2 nights. I haven't slept well in more than 2 months.

Evil words, some kill me a lil. Some make me stronger.
Expose every weakness i have. For you have already thrashed me within every inches of my life.
Counting down to december, i can't wait to see the kitty in person .

good morning aliens.

How much for some of these?

2009-10-10T02:14:00.003+08:00

give me some.

There's hope for the hopeless

2009-10-05T00:16:00.001+08:00

I want to dunk my head into a bucket of cold water, stay in there for as long as i can only to surface , when the need arise.

19 years of my life, and all i do is run.

Is there any hope for this hopeless soul?

2009-09-30T01:03:00.000+08:00

scrambled eggs with cheese, downed it with orange juice.

Time for me to start work : /

If i was a bird, would i still have the urge to fly away?

2009-09-29T03:27:00.000+08:00

i feel so fucking lost. I pretend that everything's in order-it's not.

I don't know how to fix the loose wire.

My last resort : cut it off.

2009-09-17T21:55:00.003+08:00

Dear ___,

please slip some money into my very empty wallet. Tonight, will be another one of those sleepless nights.

I'm unhappy with certain things.

Disappointed with certain people, but that does not mean, im going to sit on this chair and sulk.

You brought on the drizzle, i'll bring in the storm.

I want some pipping hot porridge with youtiao and some dunhill frost.

because im too poor to afford them right now .

im going back to the essay.

xx,

marijuanita

steady now

2009-09-15T02:22:00.001+08:00

I drink coffee like water and i still never know what to say.

I still don't know how to get out of bed half the time.

It's not pretty or endearing.

I whisper you secrets,

I am still looking to be saved.

Sometimes i am so weak,

Sometimes i am so strong.

Here you go, i'll give you everything for one more chance.

My heart is ugly, but it could be all yours.

xoxo

marijuanita.

2009-09-13T17:20:00.002+08:00

4 hours of hxc l4d, killing zombies and getting killed.

Eyes straight red.

white lines, 2 dollar bills.

Cold shower, hurts to the inner bones.

Shivered and fell asleep against the white tile.

Dream half wrecked.

2009-09-09T04:09:00.000+08:00

4.07am, alyza's place.
so quiet.
i'll see you when the sun comes up.

xoxo,
marijuanita

Chinese guy doesn't understand facebook.

2009-09-03T03:11:00.004+08:00

monday i go fishing
tuesday i eat flie rise
wednesday iz bissness taime, i fuck my girlflen
thursday i do thing with my flen
friday i go to casino
saturday i be an asshole
sunday i go boating with 2 brack flen to do people thing
you're cool?

'what if you not busy, you just pray the video kame'

'Tui le lo mo, that means fuck your mother, fuck your mother!'

watch the fucking video. it's so funny.
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH

oasis is no longer

2009-09-02T02:42:00.001+08:00

The best weather to sleep in.
But the sleep is constantly interrupted by plagues.
Good day to you my friend.
I can't wait to drown in my bed.
The raunchy posters of the massage parlor seem so appealing right now.
i need a massage so badly. not the 10mins lousy type.

marijuanita

Religion is Private //Religious Views

2009-08-29T03:11:00.000+08:00

So much happened the last 4 months, i dare say i've changed again. For the better for the worst. Only the people closest would know.

And the love hate thing i have with religion.

Only recently did i finally remember that 'religion is not a membership'.

Some of you should really learn to shut the fuck up, and not comment on the way i choose to lead my life, because the way i see it, having a religion, worshipping a god blindly and committing sins at the same time, does not make you a better person than i am.

At least i admit that i am, lost. I am just finding my way around. I started praying every now and then.

I guess, the only people who truly understand what i'm trying to say here will be zarrah,aishah,mardhiah and maybe jolyn..etc.

Read this article a week ago on the Sunday Times. Written by Sumiko Tan.

"Don't impose your religious beliefs onto others just as you wouldn't want others to do that to you.

I am not a religious person. I don't visit any house of worship and i pray only occasionally.

It's not that i don't believe in a god or a higher being, or that i don't subscribe to the moral values that religions preach.

I do try to be a good person.

But i view religion as a private affair between me and the higher being.

How i go about maintaining that relationship - if i do so at all- is my business and done in my own quiet time, not in public.

I don't like to talk about my beliefs and i feel queasy when others - especially people i don't know well-talk to me about theirs. I feel imposed upon. Isn't this topic to personal to be shared?

Whatever it is, even though i'm not religious, i respect those around me who hold deep beliefs. I would never dream of imposing my views on them in the desire they become more like me.

I hope that the deeply religious, too can accept that there are people like me who don't like having religious beliefs thrust on them, even if you mean well.

Because wasn't it in fact a religious book that said you should only do unto others as you would have them do unto you?"

To finally stop hating christ, and finding peace, being at ease. After so long . . .

I just want you to know, i am sincerely smiling as i am typing this.

I love you all, even though some of you think im fucking out of my mind .

good day ahead,

marijuanita. xx

2009-08-28T01:44:00.000+08:00

i'm not sorry, there's nothing to say.

Sunday morning, no more.

2009-08-24T02:28:00.001+08:00

I'm so happy cos today i found my friends . They're in my head.

Sunday morning is everyday for all i fucking care.

And i'm not afraid.

Light my candles in a daze cos i found god.

And just maybe

im to blame for all i've heard, but i'm not sure.

I'm so excited, i cant wait to meet you there.

I'm not going to crack.

Someone, is there a higher being?

im a moody baby tonight. bear with me.

Tonight, i forgot how to breath

2009-08-22T04:48:00.000+08:00

I love that feeling. You know the one that you get when you take a deep breath and suddenly everything feels like it's going to be okay. When you're hopeless as can be, and life is going nowhere.There're those moments that we have every now and then where we just stop, and we get this feeling that can't be described, but you just feel like everything really is going to be okay. Like the world stops spinning for a second, and everything was clear.

I need more of those moments.

I feel the need to rant.

I don't know where to start.

I wish that some people in my life would just cut the bullshit and be fucking honest about something, just once.

marijuanita.

comfort food again

2009-08-18T00:27:00.001+08:00

2009-08-15T06:07:00.000+08:00

I purposely keep myself naive and away from earthly informations because it's the only way to avoid a jaded attitude.

Everything i do, is internally subconscious because you can't rationalize spirituality.

We don't deserve this privilege.

I can't speak, i can only feel.

Maybe someday i'll turn myself into Hellen Keller by puncturing my ears with a knife, then cutting my voice box out.

If you want to know what life after life feels like, then put on a fucking parachute, get onto a plane, shoot a good amount of heroine into your veins, and immediately follow that with a hit of nitrous oxide then jump.

wait, or maybe set yourself on fire.

good morning aliens.

welcome back to earth.

marijuanita.

2009-08-12T02:24:00.001+08:00

Up all night, got demons to fight!

2009-08-06T02:20:00.000+08:00

Black and white

Coloured.

I held onto worm's hand for 3 fucking hours.

The red roses were hellofapain! The shading is incomplete.

The parents are leaving town to go play golf for the long weekend.

Come stay over, got loads of frozen food to share.

love you all :>

marijuanita.

I feel too much.

2009-08-02T03:15:00.001+08:00

That's what's going on.

Do you think one can feel too much?

Or just feel in the wrong way?

My insides don't match up with my outsides.

I don't know. I'm only me.

Maybe that's what a person's personality is : the difference between the inside and outside.

I only have 1 heart. I can't grow a new heart.

The past 3 months was another sort of rollercoaster ride. I avoid. I mourn. I had fun. I loved. going back to church for a whole different meaning. first time in 4 years. My mom's so thrilled.

i can't wait to get the reel rolling.

Time to put my heart back to school mode.

i love you all.

marijuanita, xoxo.

eye wonder

2009-07-31T03:41:00.001+08:00

You wanted me to be sensitive.

So when there's a death in my family, im supposed to pretend it didn't happen, and suck it up, and listen to you whine the whole fucking time?

Maybe this is my cue to say ' i wish the backspace button works in real life, i wish you'd all leave me alone'.

marijuanita.

Cremation.

2009-07-28T17:36:00.000+08:00

I went to the wake for the last time with the heaviest heart. My mind was filled with so many thoughts. Those 3 unpeaceful sleeping nights, they're nothing compared to what my loved ones are experiencing right not, the immense pain, from the loss of a member from the family.
As they carried on with the ritual, people cry, some cried out loud- for a man, who was a great son, great father, great lover, great friend and lastly a wonderful family.
We all cried. As we watched the coffin being carried into the singapore casket van, the heavy tugging at the heart was unbearable.
On the road to mandai crematorium, was a surprisingly subtle one.
I looked up into the big blue sky, the clouds are so white, the sky is so blue. It's as though, the sky is telling me, they're ready to take him anytime now.
At the hall, people gave their last words, more people cried. I didn't.
They brought us to the viewing mall, i stood at the second row, the coffin, was moving straight. Straight towards the lid.
I heard heavy sobbing. I sobbed, and then cry. His son, a mere age of 2, cried out for his father. As his coffin moved closer and closer, the sobbings got louder.
They all cried out for him. I couldn't say a word. The tears were enough. A silent goodbye, was all i could do.
The lid finally opened. And the coffin went in. That moment, was unexplainable. The pain was a short stab. It went and then go away.

At least now, we all know, he's free.
He's up in the sky, with the clouds.

On my way home from the crematorium, i looked up at the sky, the entire time, The sky looks filled, and they've definitely taken him in.
The road home was very long. But at that moment, there was an unspeakable quietness, and peace.

I've been sleeping from noon till a couple of minutes ago. The exhausted body, is feeling better. I am nothing compared to what those who experienced first hand.

Brother,
Please rest in peace.You're in safe hands now.

love,
rena too.

25th july RIP.

2009-07-27T01:27:00.001+08:00

Dear Brother,
rest in peace, you're in heaven

love now and forever,
rena too.

2009-07-25T04:04:00.000+08:00

I don't understand, how we can be right to each other. And over something so minor, we don't talk. You had to text me and ask me what i want for dinner.

And i'll stupidly reply you.

All these, when we're sitting on the couch, right next to one another.

I want to be a free bird. Soar into the endless blue sky. Hide within the clouds where nobody knows.

Things to do on a fucking thursday.

2009-07-23T04:39:00.001+08:00

Note to self :

1.Clean out the wardrobe.

2.Clear the table.

3.Show some light into the room.

4.Sleep till i need to wake up :>

5.Erm, Youtube somemore.

6.Find a job.

7.Save money for phils.

8.Find apartment in Melb.

sushi roll.

2009-07-22T03:43:00.000+08:00

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.

Life is a sushi roll.

marijuanita

2009-07-18T03:33:00.000+08:00

3.03am - im starving.

And im stuffing my face with korean rice, and fight club. Yes the one and only, by palahniuk.

He never fails to make me think the fuck out. I think i might rewatch it again tomorrow.

It's been a fucking long week. Besides coming home from kl, with a very sick body, and a couple of lovely buys. Other than that. the week's been crap.

I've worked my body to the maximum.

I court death, at my best.

one pink, one blue.

The next one,is coming in.

I need another one, for the sleep.

2 more weeks. and school is here.

Time for a long drive, before the sleep finally sinks in.

another one for the winner.

KL II

2009-07-16T21:37:00.000+08:00

The eat money machine. KAOPEH.

land pollution.

Awesome doughnuts!

sungei wang, cheap thrill. So shiok.

Petaling street.

the not so nice dunkins

breakfast->back to sleep = pig.

Some chinese cunt refuse to sell me the monk's bag. fucker.

KLCC

colourful taksi.

kueh galore.

A &W's!

SHIOK!

We were trying to get to the crafts centre...

and we sorta lost our way.

Starbucks ftw. really.

ghetto.

paint nails again :/

After this meal, i got sick . . .

maccas for supper. With chocolate milk!

Checkout checkout!

the bag damn tight.

Papa john's.

food was fine, customer service, fucking fail.

Krispy kremes again.

A dozen!

I want to go again!!!!So ghetto so fun.

K to the L.

2009-07-16T15:12:00.000+08:00

krispy kremes, dunkins, papa john's, a&w, petaling street food..etc (though i eventually had food allergy)

I had so much to eat. Not that much to buy though.

Crazy uncle running after us.

cute skater boyz at sungei wang.

Cheap thrill at the supermarkets.

Petaling street bargains.

And people speaking in their own fucking language.

Supper at maccas.

Crazy driving with zarrah and friends.

okay fine, im

sick like a dog, i think i need to sleep again.

gd afternoon lovelies.

marijuanita

Joke of the day.

2009-07-12T02:53:00.000+08:00

At 2 fucking 41 am, Martin Brian Lanjiao So, decided he wants to go jalan kayu.

Before that, he was being a sissy. This is his analogy.

Fucking brother is mad, so mad.

I need to start packing for the roadtrip with z.

love xx.

Somewhat damaged.

2009-07-11T03:00:00.002+08:00

We're all damaged in our own way. Nobody's perfect.

I think we're all somewhat screwy, every single one of us.

Screws fall out all the time, this world is an imperfect place.

marijuanita.

PS: Where did the rainbow go?

fragility

2009-07-10T02:27:00.000+08:00

We are so fucking fragile.

“Freedom (n.): To ask nothing. To expect nothing. To depend on nothing.”

marijuanita

have some

2009-07-08T02:46:00.001+08:00

japanese cheese biscuit, and egg sandwich.
Comfort food.
Ice cream parlour.
and lastly, trippy musik.

My bed is filled with chips :/

marijuanita.xx

PS: wtf is wrong with blogger's photo uploading shit?

so what

2009-07-05T03:29:00.002+08:00

if i passed out on tranquilizers?

i'm near the end and i just don't have enough time.

I'm wasted and i can't find my way home.

3 days of 'cracking my head' im still sitting in front of this screen, without a word in the email.

really, so what if i passed out on tranks?

The only thing i can count on.

2009-07-04T03:56:00.001+08:00

When nothing else happens all day, when all there is to show for it, is some work i've done. Or an okay movie i've seen.

When it' been nothing special, they are my treat.

They used to be a treat.

Late at night - like right now, they were something to look forward to.

I could tell myself : i can still get high. This is the sugar in my bowl.

But now it's my life, pills are my everything.

At the end of the day, other people ask themselves : Is this all there is?

I don't want to wait for the answer. I'm not stupid. I don't want to see if today will be better than yesterday, because i already know.

And these pills are deep inside me.

What person would ever get this close?

Who would want to?

And i swear to you, i don't care how this sounds, i think it's love.

It's the only thing i can rely on. At least it will never go away.

If you don't understand, you don't know what love is.

marijuanita.

2009-07-01T02:50:00.000+08:00

i feel extremely cold. The incessant heavy downpour in my heart.

At the end of the day, i still have no idea what i've been doing all along.

I need an umbrella, and a pint of green mint ice cream.

marijuanita.